Anybody really know what's going on with ETH and BTC that can actually give investors an answer without sounding condescending?

Disclaimer: I labeled this as comedy, but it's also a genuine question.

Between March 11th - 14th, everything seemed to be going up. News about the halving was buzzing around Days later, BTC started a downward trend, with people saying, "it's the dip before the halving." Then - in April - the halving happened... and... nothing really happened that hasn't already happened before. In fact, between May 2nd and now, BTC has been bouncing around it's lowest point in the last two months. I know ETH generally follows BTC, but even ETH seems like it's performing worse than it should be.

Was it all just pre-halving hype? Is this a result of the SEC's recent statements? Do we really know how any of this works?

Can't we just unplug the crypto market for 5 minutes and then plug it back in and see if that works?

Maybe it's just me? Maybe its Maybelline...

One day it's down a lot. Next day it's up a little. Next day it's down a lot more.

I try to Google the answers, and so many Cryptocurrency "news" outlets say things like, "Top 3 Cryptocurrencies: according to Reddit!" And one of the currencies is some dog getting shanked by a bird riding a dinosaur (Hyperbole, but along those lines).

Another article claimed XRP as a "top-trending" coin... But no real answers.

So, while I don't think anyone really knows, I am holding out hope that someone here actually knows what's going on and can give me a nice answer.